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    an idyllwild weather clam!

    Our gal, The Idyllwild Weather Clam thinks that it will rain again today.

    Tuesday 22 August 2017
    Currently at 4:54 AM 57°


    Up to the minute now-casting provided by: Idyllwild Weather Clam Mega-Skyview Ultra-Precision Doppler 160000 Super Computron Forecast in Full Spectrum HD
    Monday
    Aug212017

    Banish This Calamity, Spare The Sun!


    Friends,

    Our gal, The Idyllwild Weather Clam loves a good celestial event and she couldn't be more excited than she is for today's solar eclipse. In fact, she's been splashing around in her tide pool all morning listening to this cheery little number.

    Have fun folks. Stay safe and don't burn your eyes out, okay?

    Your best pal,

    - bob

    Friday
    Aug182017

    Toddler Watch: Adult Supervision Without Adults Edition

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    Friends,

    The vice president of these here United States cut his overseas trip short to return to view the smoldering wreckage of the Executive branch of government. I'm sure he'll keep our democracy in his thoughts and prayers as he digs through the debris, past the confederate flags and Post-Its with Twitter passwords scrawled across them, as he looks for a way to salvage his career.

    After all, the albatross that is 45's presidency is going to be very heavy, covered in cheap bronzer and smothered in fried chicken grease.

    Your best pal,

    - bob

    Tuesday
    Aug152017

    Toddler Watch: Aw, Do I Have To? Edition

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    Friends,

    Yesterday, the president of these United States, days after the riot in Charlottesville, Virginia started by white nationalists, finally said that violence by white nationalists was bad.

    "Racism is evil. And those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including the KKK, neo Nazis, white supremacists and other hate groups that are repugnant to everything we hold dear as Americans. We are a nation founded on the truth that all of us are created equal. We are equal in the eyes of our Creator. We are equal under the law. And we are equal under our Constitution. Those who spread violence in the name of bigotry strike at the very core of America."
    - The 45th President of the United States


    Would he have said this if his donors hadn't pressured him to revise his "all sides" statement? Probably not.

    Will he go to Charlottesville to meet with the victims and their families? Of course not.

    A normal American president would denounce Nazis (I can't believe I even have to say this) and meet with the victims right away. This, dear friends, is not normal.

    Your best pal,

    - bob

    UPDATE: Good gravy. He held a press conference on Tuesday afternoon and doubled down on the "both sides" argument. Then, as you do when you're the president, you equate George Washington with Robert E. Lee...

    "George Washington was a slave owner. Was George Washington a slave owner? So, will George Washington now lose his status? Are we going to take down—excuse me—are we going to take down—are we going to take down statues to George Washington?"

    Stunning.
    Monday
    Aug142017

    Toddler Watch: But Nobody Else Likes Me Edition

    A lovely centered picture of a book
    Friends,

    The person who was selected by the Republican Party to be their nominee for president of these United States has a problem. He has no friends. He's surrounded by suck-ups and toadies, but nobody actually likes this man. When you have as fragile an ego as Ivanka's dad, you do things to make people like you. Like what, you may ask.

    Like taking great pains not to offend Nazis.

    Over the weekend, aggrieved white nationalists, fascists, neo-Nazis, and real Nazis descended on Charlottesville, Virginia for a rally to protest taking down a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee and to cause some trouble. They surrounded a black church during services, terrifying parishioners. They attempted home invasions in a predominately black area of town, and set up battle lines in a park dedicated to peace. Later on Saturday, one of the Nazis got in his Dodge Challenger and plowed into a crowd of anti-protesters, killing one and injuring 19.

    What did Melania's husband have to say about it? He condemned the violence on all sides, that's what. Nothing about disavowing Nazis or white nationalists or skinheads, and they were thrilled that they weren't called out. They've got a pal in the White House, they crowed.

    Yes, it would seem that they do. A man who needs all the friends he can get at this point.

    We fought a world war to get rid of Nazis, and now the president of these entire United States (and Guam. -ed) is playing footsie with a home-grown terror gang.

    This is not normal.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Wednesday
    Aug092017

    Toddler Watch: Who's a Good Boy? Edition

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    Friends,

    The president of these United States receives a brief twice a day containing news stories covering all of the good things he's doing, how successful he is, and how his administration is doing great. Internally, staffers call it the "propaganda document." This is different from a clipping service, where you save media mentions for later use in your marketing. The brief, presented to the boss by toadies in the White House, is designed solely to stroke this nitwit's ego.

    This is also not normal.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Tuesday
    Aug082017

    Toddler Watch: Vacation Edition

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    Friends,

    I've read a lot of commentary on Twitter about the hypocrisy of the 45th president of these United States going on a two-week vacation while he lambasted President Obama for doing the same. I get that the act is hypocritical and who doesn't enjoy making fun of this buffoon, but the people who criticize him for spending so much time away from the White House miss an important point...

    The more time he spends on the road, the less time he's spending doing evil stuff.

    Like what you ask? Like taking away the Obama-era protection against nursing homes forcing residents into private arbitration to resolve disputes for things like abuse or poor care. Like immigration officers rounding up parents while their kids are in school.

    So, you know, maybe it's not such a bad thing that Ivanka's dad is on holiday.

    This is not normal.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Wednesday
    Jul262017

    Toddler Watch: Leggo My Ego Edition

    A lovely centered picture of a book
    Friends,

    A day ago, the 45th president of these United States has held a political rally at the Boy Scout Jamboree where he thanked the 12-year olds in the crowd for voting for him and goaded them into booing the 44th president. This is a startling breach of protocol not only for a sitting president, but also for a normal human being with a sense of ethics.

    Two days ago, the 45th president dedicated a new aircraft carrier—one named after the guy who pardoned 45's prototypical president, Richard Nixon—and as commander-in-chief, ordered the service men and women in attendance to support his political agenda. This stuff used to happen in tin pot, third world dictatorships. Until now.

    This is not normal.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Wednesday
    Jul192017

    Moisture From Sky To Pummel Small Mountain Village

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    Friends,

    It's going to rain today. Our gal, The Idyllwild Weather Clam, and I are giddy.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Wednesday
    Jun282017

    Toddler Watch: I’m Smart, I Know Things! Edition

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    Friends,

    The 45th president of these United States, better known as Marla Maples’ ex-husband, is a mentally unstable sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. On that we can certainly agree. What we might disagree on is his healthcare policy expertise. Sometimes it’s pretty difficult for him to grasp. Sometimes it’s easy…

    A lovely centered picture of a tweet from a robot

    Again, this sort of thing doesn't happen in a functioning democracy, but it happened yesterday in the United States of America.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Tuesday
    Jun132017

    Toddler Watch: Dear Leader Edition

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    Friends,

    The 45th president of these United States, better known as Jared Kushner's father in-law, held the first meeting of his entire cabinet yesterday. This is a motley crew of GOP lifers, hangers-on, dopes, fire starters, and Mitch McConnell's wife (who is several of those things. -ed). While mostly a photo opportunity, a startling and brazenly un-American thing happened—one by one, they went around the room pledging their loyalty to the president.

    This doesn't happen in a functioning democracy, but it happened yesterday.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Wednesday
    Jun072017

    Toddler Watch: The Adults Testify This Week

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    Friends,

    You might wonder how the various investigations into Russia's meddling in the 2016 elections and the now 45th president's cooperation and coordination with said meddling are coming along. At this point, it's hard to know. The independent prosecutor, former FBI head Robert Mueller, isn't sharing status updates. The House and the Senate, however, are holding hearings this week featuring the former FBI Director, the director of National Intelligence, and some other folks who are making Marmalade Mugabe very nervous.

    This is gonna be great.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Friday
    May262017

    Toddler Watch: Poor Impulse Control Edition

    Friends,

    The United States of America, a founding member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, last year elected an orange buffoon as its leader. One of the reasons that old white people in this country voted for him, we're told, is that because they're anxious about their economic fortunes, they thought a successful businessman would be the best choice. This man would negotiate trade deals with other nations that tilt in favor of the United States. A master negotiator would also be able to bend foreign ministers to his will, the thinking goes, to ensure that America isn't stuck holding the nightstick as the "world's policeman."

    Here's the master negotiator in action at his first NATO summit in Brussels...


    Economically anxious white people in Montana also voted in a special election yesterday to elect a man who beat up a reporter the day before as their sole congressional representative. This is more dangerous.

    I strongly believe that NATO is a self-healing institution and can route around problems, like the grandstanding grifter who lists "45th President" when he takes out new loans with the Russians. However, he and the new GOP representative from Montana, and the people who support them, are showing that it's okay to rough people up to get what you want. That it's perfectly fine to beat on a member of the media who's pressing to get a question answered on the eve of an important election.

    Pay attention to these things, dear reader. This is how we lose a democracy.

    Your pal,

    - bob
    Wednesday
    May242017

    All Hail The Orb!

    Friends,

    Our president, a 70-year old orange toddler, has stayed up way past his bedtime during his first foreign trip as the leader of the free world. (since you put it that way, it's time to jump off a bridge. - ed At least wait for the midterms.) During this trip, he has said dumb things, coddled dictators, and has reshaped America's foreign policy to comport with the thing the last person he spoke to told him. In other words, the trip was going as expected, until he encountered The Orb.

    Was The Orb part of some elaborate stagecraft by the Saudi king to open the new Global Center for Combating Extremist Ideology in Riyadh, or something more nefarious, as portrayed on Twitter? Maybe it was something else entirely...


    Your pal,

    - bob
    Tuesday
    May162017

    Toddler President Watch: Leaking State Secrets Edition

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    Friends,

    A heavily-sourced story by the fine folks at The Washington Post (Cripes, are they going to save this nation's bacon again? every 45 years, like clockwork. -ed) reported that some septuagenarian toddler we call the 45th president shared highly classified information with the Russian ambassador. You remember the Russians, don't you? They're the ones who threw the last election toward said toddler through a disinformation campaign fueled by hackers, social media dupes, and willing stooges.

    Anyway, the toddler's nannies and enablers in the White House denied the story yesterday. This seems pretty normal. Why would you admit that you shared secrets that inherently compromise our sources with the enemies of our democracy?

    I don't know. Why don't you ask that toddler yourself, since he admitted sharing that information today.

    It's not a crime, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be removed from office for doing it. In fact, it helps reinforce the existing case for impeachment. Now all we need is a Congress that worries more about the country than their party.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Thursday
    May042017

    You Know, General Welfare

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    Friends,

    The coalition of GOP sharps, weasels and dandies along with the dullards, chicken frighteners and snake charmers in the U.S. House of Representatives are poised to pass a replacement for the Affordable Care Act this morning. Well, not so much a replacement as a tax cut for the wealthy that's paid for by pricing 20 million Americans out of their health insurance. Why?

    Campaign donations and fear of facing a primary challenger who lacks more spine and heart than the incumbent. By the way, lacking a spine and a heart would qualify as pre-existing conditions for these goons, punting them into expensive high-risk insurance pools...

    Or it would if Congress hadn't exempted members from their new scheme that's just fine for you. Good luck!

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Friday
    Mar242017

    The American Experiment: Testing The Low Values Edition

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    Friends,

    Whether it's stripping healthcare out of a healthcare bill because it's too generous, hunting bears while they're hibernating, or removing online privacy protections so ISPs can make a dollar, the majority party in this United States Congress has been busy. Why do they hate people, sleeping bear cubs and people? Because there is a dollar to be made, and your modern Republican Party is chock full of people who have no interest in you.

    I propose that while we bide our time until they can be voted out of power, we have a little fun at their donor's expense: keep as many browser windows open and search for as many different things as your computer will allow. Let's work together to make our browsing and search histories worthless!

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Sunday
    Mar052017

    A (very) Short Respite

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    Friends,

    I seem to be suffering lately from a fatigue brought on by an elderly orange man from Florida who has managed to destabilize this great country using little more than a Twitter account. He has surrounded himself by right-wing ideologues, dullards, kleptocrats, toadies and various hangers-on who are working with this elderly orange man to frighten old ladies and Australians while annoying Sweden and other people whose worldview hews towards facts and logic.

    Because I count myself among both the frightened and annoyed camps, I'm grateful to take a little break. This piney paradise, while not cut off from media, insists that inhabitants go outside and enjoy this gift.

    Until the new Secretary of the Interior sells off the forest to the highest bidder.

    Dammit. So much for my break.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Friday
    Feb172017

    Vicious Storm Update

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    Friends,

    As you are no doubt aware, our gal, The Idyllwild Weather Clam, works tirelessly to bring you the most accurate weather forecasts possible every single weekday when she gets around to it. She does this by dispatching teams of scientists from her tide pool to the four corners of the San Jacinto and Santa Rosa mountains and use the latest scientific techniques to tirelessly gather data for her prediction models. Yesterday was no exception.

    Teams of highly trained meteorologists fanned out from the Secret Alpine Laboratory and collected a breathtaking amount of weather and climate data. These figures were used to compute The Idyllwild Weather Clam's prediction that it would rain yesterday in Idyllwild, California.

    It didn't.

    We apologize for the error.

    Your best pal,

    - bob
    Tuesday
    Feb142017

    Happy Awkward Valentine's Day

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    Friends,

    As you know, we here at the Secret Alpine Laboratory cherish your readership and understand that you have many options when you're looking for nonsense on the Internet. We're pleased as punch that you've chosen to stop by this hot mess and look forward to your continued patronage.

    All the best to you and yours while we hold up this sign sort of on our shoulder but mostly on our neck, and it's not weird at all and actually very comfortable, why do you ask?

    Your pal,

    - bob
    Friday
    Feb032017

    On The 25th Amendment

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    Friends,

    Sometimes you've just got to get rid of the president. Maybe you start hearings and he resigns and you get the mess pictured above, and sometimes you invoke the 25th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution because the president is unfit to serve. Either way, now would be a good time to do either of those things.

    And please remember to punch a Nazi. Thank you.

    Your very best pal in the whole wide world,

    - bob